Heart has a thousand knots

Chapter 14

With a snap of the fingers, I feel that half my life has been lost, and I have lost my life.

Now, just one year later, I have returned to Sichuan.It's just that those in the past are like flipping through a book, should they all be flipped over?

The notification sound of the text message interrupted my contemplation. When I opened it, it was a Song poem: "Ye Lai is intoxicated and it is too late to remove makeup. The plum calyx is inserted with residual branches. The drunken smoke breaks the spring sleep, and the dream is far from returning. People are quiet, Yue Yiyi. Cui The curtain hangs. Move the remaining pistils more, twist the lingering fragrance more, and spend more time."

It seemed that Jiang Qiuyue was drinking again.

"Go to bed and wash up. I will be back as soon as possible." After sending the text message, I turned off the phone.

At night, it was raining outside the window, tick-tocking on the awning.My ears were filled with the sound of the wind and rain outside, and I didn't know how long it took before I fell asleep.

Later, I had a dream.In the dream, Xiaoshi called me on the other side of a river: "Momo, wait for me—" I tried to reach her, but I couldn't reach her.Jiang Qiuyue appeared next to me, smiling, showing her crescent eyes: "Momo, let's go." I was held tightly by Jiang Qiuyue, and while walking, I looked back at Xiaoshi on the other side of the river.Suddenly, the river surged, and the waves rushed towards Xiaoshi. Xiaoshi shouted desperately: "Momo, save me, save--me..." The heart-piercing cry was quickly drowned by the stormy waves...

"Momo, are you awake?" Father knocked on the door outside.It was dawn, and the rain outside had already stopped.

"Dreaming about the flood, what does it mean?" Sitting at the dinner table, I was still immersed in the plot of that dream.At the end of the dream, Xiaoshi disappeared, the flood subsided, the river was quiet, and there was nothing on the shore, just like the ebb tide of the sea, leaving only a traceless beach.When I woke up, I found that my pajamas were wet.

"Uh, dreaming of water is an empty joy, as if washed by water, there is nothing." The sister-in-law said, "However, it may not be accurate. Doesn't it mean that dreams and reality are opposite?"

An An turned her head to look at her sister-in-law: "It's as if Mom didn't say anything." The sister-in-law gave the child a blank look: Little baby, what do you know?

My father said that he wanted me to accompany him back to the countryside to have a look.I nodded, that's okay, today is my 25th birthday, and it's time to go back and visit my mother's grave.Tomb-sweeping day, I can't visit her grave.

After a rain, the roads in the country are not easy to walk.Mother's tomb is on the mountainside, facing the east, facing the sun, and facing our road back home.Armed with his father, he climbed halfway up the mountain, and his father began to tidy up the weeds around him.As soon as he returned to the country, his spirit suddenly improved a lot.

The surrounding jasmines have sprouted lush green buds and tender leaves, swaying in the wind.He bent down to help his father remove the weeds in the jasmine bushes. After a while, the bracelet was hung on the branch. With a little force, the ribbon broke from the joint.

I was taken aback and stayed.

"Look, you are so hands and feet," my father said when he saw me holding the broken bracelet, "you are not suitable for work? You have not been able to since you were a child. Go and talk to your mother, and you rarely come back to see her .”

Dad waved to me.

For so many years, without the company of my mother, I am used to it.Although sometimes I envy others who can act like a baby in front of my mother, I think of her when loneliness strikes, and remember her calling my name again and again when she hugged me: "Momo, my little Momo..." The voice is full of sweet tenderness.

If she was still alive, would my today, my life, be different?

Just "if", the reality is often hard and cannot be overthrown by assumptions.

"Dad." I looked at my father's bent waist and called him.

"Huh?" He looked up, looked at me, threw away the weeds in his hand, and waited for me to speak.

"Everyone," I said slowly, my head a little muddled, "does everyone have to go down the road of getting married and having kids?"

"Don't you want to? Why?" Father was a little surprised.

I shook my head and turned to look at my mother's grave.My father would not understand my thoughts like this, and neither would my mother.

I lit the Ming note I brought to my mother, and the smoke curled up, and the incinerated papers flew with the wind.

"Mom, if you can hear me, please forgive me. I am destined to let you down. Because what I want and what you want cannot be the same..."

"Look at your mother, she's happy." Father looked at the flying pieces of paper and smiled, his wrinkles deepened.

After descending the mountain, my father looked back at my mother's grave: "In a month or two, the flowers should bloom." When I turned my head for the last time, the sun was already in the sky, and the mother's grave was sprinkled with the bright flowers of early spring. The sun shines with warm light on the tender green jasmine leaves.

The string of jasmine bracelets, I put it in the crevice of the stone in front of my mother's grave, let it accompany the mother with those lush jasmines.Right, I'm by her side.

While waiting for the bus, looking over my father's face, I saw a blade of grass sticking to his gray hair, and I reached out for him to remove it: "Dad, if you want, find yourself a companion. You don't have to bear the burden of my brother and sister-in-law." .”

"I, I just want to go back to the countryside, grow some vegetables, and visit your mother often." The father smiled, "How can the city be as comfortable and comfortable as the countryside?"

It seems that he has no intention of finding a partner.

Back to Dujiangyan, already one o'clock.When the eldest sister heard that I was back, she also came.When you see me, you just give me a hard time.No matter how much she reprimanded me, it was not too much.The elder sister is like a mother, let alone me, the farthest away from my father.

The next day, I took 4000 yuan to my sister-in-law as lucky money for An An in the past two years.The sister-in-law declined and accepted.The six thousand for his father was placed under his pillow when he was not paying attention.Face to face, my frugal and stubborn father would not ask for my money.

Jiang Qiuyue deposited [-] on the card she gave me.On the card, the password is pasted with transparent glue, which is a six-digit combination of my birthday and her birthday number.

After lunch, my father and older brothers and sisters sent me out of the alley.The eldest sister chattered all the way.In the car, my father said: "Momo, don't wrong yourself." I nodded, turned my face away, and urged the driver to drive.My nose is sore and my eyes are sore. I am afraid that if I walk a few seconds late, they will see my tears.

In the side-view mirror of the taxi, my father was still standing there, looking at my car. His figure was getting farther and farther away, getting smaller and smaller... until the car turned, I could no longer restrain the thoughts of having nowhere to rest in my heart. Sad, weeping bitterly.

([-]) Scattered like autumn clouds without a place to find

Back in Shanghai, it was already dark.With the flow of people out of the hall, I saw Jiang Qiuyue waving to me from afar.Leaning back in the seat, I close my eyes.Jiang Qiuyue was holding the steering wheel with one hand, and the other was on the back of my hand.

"Driving well, please," I said, opening my eyes.

"After walking for so long, I still don't call me, reply text messages slowly, and turn off the phone..." Jiang Qiuyue withdrew her hand and scolded me, and sighed when she saw that I didn't respond to her.

Every time, as long as she sighs so weakly in front of me, my heart will feel a little inexplicable pain, and I have an urge to hold her in my arms.

Although she is seven years older than me, it always makes me feel the pain of wanting to pity her.

When I got home, I developed a fever and lay in bed, limp and drained of energy.Jiang Qiuyue panicked and wanted to take me to the emergency department.I refused.The monotonous colors of the hospital make people feel depressed.After taking the medicine, Jiang Qiuyue put another towel on my forehead, then sat on the edge of the bed and looked at me.

"Go to sleep, I'm fine, a little tired, sleepy..." I said.After taking the medicine for a while, my mind became more dizzy.In a daze, Jiang Qiuyue was changing towels for me.

In the middle of the night, when I woke up, the bedside lamp was on, and the orange light made me feel a little dazed.Jiang Qiuyue was lying on her side beside me, frowning slightly.I was very thirsty, so I got up quietly.As soon as she stood up, Jiang Qiuyue woke up.

"Ah, why did I fall asleep? Do you want a drink?" Jiang Qiuyue rolled over and sat up, "Lie down, don't move, I'll get it." After finishing speaking, she got out of bed to pour water.

A glass of water, I drank it all in one go. "Are you still drinking?" She asked, but before I answered, she said: "Don't drink too much, drink later." She reached out and touched my forehead: "Finally quit." Then, she breathed a sigh of relief.

Seeing me getting out of bed, Jiang Qiuyue yelled, "Didn't I tell you to lie down? If you want anything, I'll go."

"Go to the bathroom, will you go for me?" I smiled.

"Fart boy, really." Jiang Qiuyue said angrily.

Lying down again, my eyes closed again immediately.A night of dreams, disturbed one after another.

When I woke up in the morning, the birds in the community were singing happily in the trees.I can't remember even a single fragment of my dream last night.Jiang Qiuyue was not on the bed, and a corner of her lavender iris quilt was turned back.

"How do you feel?" Jiang Qiuyue pushed open the door and walked over, wearing an apron.

"It's much better." I stretched my arms, "Why do you get up so early?"

"Get some porridge, drink some, and I'll go to the company later." Jiang Qiuyue said as she opened the bedside table and took out a blue jewelry box.

A necklace, as for whether it is a gold or silver chain, I don't know. I have never studied gold and silver.What attracts me is the pendant in the middle: two staggered crescents form a heart shape; in the middle of the crescents, there is a crystal with a pure white jasmine flower inside.

"Do you like it?" Jiang Qiuyue asked. "It's beautiful." I admired.

Jiang Qiuyue unfastened the clasp of the necklace, put her hands around my neck, and said, "I gave you a birthday present, and you went back before I had time to give it to you."

My hands, slowly, embraced her waist, exerting force bit by bit.Jiang Qiuyue knelt on the edge of the bed with one knee, resting her chin on my head