Live separately

Chapter 6

06.

Although I decided to let go, I still couldn't really stop caring about him, especially since the memory was still so clear.

I started to read some books casually, avoiding novels, afraid that I would see the joys and sorrows of love in them, but it was still useless.

Pound's Ina Station of the Metro (at the Paris Metro station), the whole poem is very short, imitating the image writing of Chinese poetry, "crowds, faces, emerging; black wet, branches, petals. Very simple words, the book explains that it is the subway The youthful faces in the crowd are smiling like flowers. Such a beautiful scene may be for returning home or arriving at a new destination. Because the petals are fresh and beautiful after the rain. But I don’t know why, but the picture in my heart can’t reach Seeing such beauty, all I can think of is a dark station, a crowded crowd, a crying face, maybe because of parting, or maybe it’s a farewell, sad like flowers in the rain, swaying and drifting.

I really can't concentrate to read any more, I realize that now all novels, poems, English and Chinese will become sad.My emotions have never calmed down. I seem to have become the most sad and sensitive poet, singing about my desolation and helplessness.

I started looking through things from the past, which was almost self-destructive, because every time I remembered something from the past, the pain increased.

At the age of 17, in the busiest time of the third year of high school, the whole person fought fiercely between math papers and English words every day. He was exhausted but still enjoyed it, just for the occasional concern from him, and for the chance to go home and see him on weekends.It was also at that time that he suddenly mentioned having a girlfriend and asked my opinion.I suddenly felt bored, and suddenly felt angry, but I also knew that I had no position.That week, I was restless, I did something wrong, and I fell to the bottom of my emotions.After struggling for a week, I actually had a stomach problem and called him.Seeing his nervous, flustered, distressed expression, I cried.After the infusion, I finally told him the word love, and he said yes.

After the college entrance examination, I didn't consider any universities outside the province, and directly filled in the university in this city. At that time, I thought that we would have more opportunities to get along, have more time to meet each other, and would not be separated because of different places. alienated from each other.Indeed, he often drives to take me out on weekends. We climb mountains, camp, fish, taste various foods, and choose clothes for each other.I have been secretly happy for the decision I made for so long, and I am so happy that I can have that kind of life.The screen full of photos in the computer shows how happy I am in the past year and a half, but it also reflects how sad and ridiculous I am now. There are more than 2000 photos. In the past year and a half, I have saved more than 2000 photos in this computer. It was me and him, these evidences that had recorded the past became a sharp sword, stabbing my heart all the time, until it was dripping with blood and shattered.

Now, I suddenly hated myself, hated myself for why I even chose the school for him, and why I was so close to him.It's too close, dozens, hundreds of kilometers are too short, far from enough for me to let go of him.

I always feel that I can still see him from time to time, and I always feel that the next moment he can appear downstairs in a car again.Nothing has changed, but everything has changed.I miss him more than ever.Unconsciously, I dialed his phone unconsciously, but before he made a sound, the voice on the other end was not familiar to me, so I hung up the phone without saying anything.

Watching the photos in the computer slide show, over and over again, until the lights in the dormitory were automatically turned off.It is also getting deeper and deeper, more and more quiet, my heart is becoming more and more empty, and I am becoming more and more unconscious, until the sky begins to shine again, until the sun shines on my face again, and my face is full of tears, but I don’t cry anymore I couldn't come out, and suddenly felt that I had probably cried all the tears in my life.The temperature of the sun gradually warmed my face. Looking at the sun rising in the distance, I suddenly realized that there are some things that I may never be able to do in my life, but I can only force myself to do it, even if it is just hypocrisy. Pretend to do it, even if you're kidding yourself.