my ten boyfriends

Chapter 05

Melancholy first talked about his dream.

He said that in his dreams there were always two images, entangled endlessly.The sea—it was just water at the beginning, and then it became the sea after he traveled to the beach; his family is dominated by his mother with the clearest face.

The logic of melancholy is very poor. I will talk about this for a while, and talk about that for a while, and the topic in the middle will jump a lot.The doctor listened patiently, controlling the rhythm of the topic from time to time, and asked repeatedly about his feelings of depression.

Melancholy said that when he was a child, there was a river in his home, which was very deep, and people had drowned.In a children's book he read when he was a child, there was a child who was not valued by his parents. He imagined that he died, but his parents regretted the scene and cried bitterly, and gained the strength to support himself from it.He looked at it and began to imagine, if he was sleeping at the bottom of that river like sleeping in a coffin, would his parents also regret it and shouldn't make so many demands on him?

Growing up, Melancholy was asked to do his best.According to his strong mother, he can only be the best, and there is no reason why he can't be the best.His father was always submissive and never said anything to him, what his wife said was what.In high school he was forced to study science, in college he was forced to study economics, and now he is forced to take the civil service exam.Sometimes he resisted, sometimes he didn't resist, and more often, he lost the concept of resistance-what does it matter?He couldn't tell what he really thought.

I met the sea after he was admitted to a key high school, and his mother happily took him to the south to see the sea.It happened to be a stormy day, and he was staying in the Seaview Hotel, so he slipped quietly to the beach under an umbrella.The atmosphere in the sea is treacherous, and the waves are accompanied by the sound of the wind, carrying amazing power.He was stunned, it was so beautiful.

In his previous dreams, he always saw himself sitting up from the bed, opening the door, walking straight to the small river in front of the house, lying down quietly, sinking slowly, without a trace of pain.After seeing the sea, he dreamed that he was going east, walked into the sea, kept walking, kept walking, and was swallowed by the sea.In his dream, water does not represent death, but another world.He has an extraordinary imagination in his dreams. He can be a pirate, or an adventurer who is swallowed by a tsunami and discovers a new world in the sea. More often, he seems to be a resident living in the sea, with a completely different personality from the land. different worldview.

And his mother.The dream of the sea is there every day, and it has never been interrupted for a day.The frequency of dreaming about mothers is slightly lower, but they are all nightmares.He dreamed of a father who had no face and said nothing like a ghost, and a mother who kept opening her mouth and spoke inaudible words.In the dream, he opened his mouth every time, shouting loudly, but he and his mother were in two dreams, and the mother in the dream never heard his words.

Sometimes behind his mother, there are still his relatives.Those relatives also opened their mouths, speaking different words, making a lot of noise.Just like in reality, they have thousands of plans for his career, future, and family, and they firmly believe that their plans are best for him.So he was ordered one moment to do this and another moment to learn that.

No one ever asked him what he thought.No one ever talks to him.He was silent in the dream, and then the typhoon came, the tsunami came, and the end of the world came.He was happily swept in by the sea.

Melancholy also mentioned a word, "desire to control". He said that he hated this desire to control.He hated himself for being cowardly and unable to speak, because he knew that if he spoke, his mother would immediately cover her chest and say, "Your words are too hurtful, how can you not know what is good or bad, you don't know that I am sick, Can't stand the stimulation!" Then she would be out of breath, complain of a headache or a toothache, then go to take medicine, and then lie down on the bed, very weak.

His mother will always talk about what she has done for him.

I bought you a chicken, but I was reluctant to eat it. I gave it all to you. You must repay me well in the future.

I didn't go on a trip, I have to take you to a study class.I sacrificed a very precious opportunity.

I used to be so pretty, but with you I've become a yellow-faced woman.I paid so much.

……

He could no longer speak.

"You mentioned the word control desire many times. Do you mean that your parents and your relatives have never asked you what you think?"

"No. They just told me the final result I needed and said, go ahead."

I quietly pulled out a tissue and covered his eyes.His voice was hoarse.The doctor poured hot water for him, and gulped it down in one gulp.

The doctor had been talking to him from a melancholy perspective.I think this consultation is actually a conversation between telling and being told, but differently, the doctor did not say a word to make melancholy understand his parents, nor did he share the same hatred and blame his parents.He was so gentle and soft-spoken, causing melancholy to speak out many secrets hidden in his heart.

"Have you tried to tell your parents, these pressures in your heart, these dreams you have?"

"No."

"why?"

"I don't trust them. I don't feel safe with them."

"Sense of security, this is an interesting word. Is your distrust, insecurity, based on what you said above?"

……

"You said that your interpersonal relationship is relatively cold, you don't have enough feelings for things, and you think you are weird. But, you have to understand that everyone has everyone's values, and no one can accuse you and say that you values ​​are incorrect."

"Tell me about your suicide attempt again. Do you think your dreams, always dreaming about going into the sea, have something to do with your idea?"

"I started imagining suicide to imagine what my parents would regret when I died. For a while I always thought about it. I have all kinds of ways to die, my parents have all kinds of pain. But then I don't I don't care what my parents think anymore. I don't care about their reaction anymore. I start to like the imagination, the moment of my death - from birth to death, click, done.

Sometimes I don't think much of that.There were so many things worth doing in my life back then.But every time I get along with my parents, I fall into this strange circle again. "

"Have you ever actually done it? Do you want to try it?"

"No. Death is painful, I checked it. But in my imagination, no matter how many times I die, it is sweet and not painful."

"You come for consultation, as you said first, do you always think about it?"

"No. The idea is getting stronger and stronger. Although I know I don't want to try it, I can't help thinking about it. My family lives in a high-rise, and sometimes I look at the window, and I want to open the window and jump from it. Then for a few seconds, click, it’s the transition from life to death again.”

The doctor looked at the watch on the wall.

"The time is coming. Let me give my opinion."

The melancholic imagining of suicide, the doctor said, was as much a self-preservation mechanism as his constant dreams of going to sea.This replaces the care given to him by his parents. It is a childhood fantasy of security. Some people like cars, some people like dolls, and he likes to think about these.

He made melancholy unnecessary.As long as you can clearly distinguish the difference between reality and fantasy, and don't put it into practice, then there is no need to restrain yourself, because these have no actual meaning of death, and are more like a protective line, which has been protecting him instead.

I also skipped the recollection of asking the doctor what he thought of me.The melancholic honesty and self-analysis left me so poignant and bitter that it overwhelmed just as much sweetness in those words.

The doctor finally said: "From your report and your confession, you don't have a big problem. Your problem comes from the pressure around you, which I can't help. You can only choose to be strong yourself. No matter how realistic the suggestion is, because I don’t know much about your life yet, so I sincerely suggest that you find a good friend and confide in him. If you still want to come here to confide, you are welcome, and if you don’t think it’s necessary, you don’t have to come again.”

"You mean, I don't have a mental illness? No depression or anything like that?"

The doctor said with certainty, "No, don't worry, these are not so good."

Melancholy smiled with relief.He let go of my hand.We left the hospital.

Not long after, he took the initiative to break up with me.After breaking up, he quickly resigned and went to work in another city.But I was actually happy for him, happy that he had the courage to break up with such firmness, happy that he had the courage to leave his parents.His confession was useful, and he no longer muddled through.

We became ordinary friends, but because I accompanied him to do psychological counseling, he occasionally communicated with me about his recent situation.He no longer has those two kinds of dreams, although he said that he still misses the dream about the sea, because the world in the sea is always so rich, but they are replaced by adventure stories with a larger scale, which also makes him feel that it is finally not enough. Then "abnormal".He also no longer dreamed of his mother, as if relieved for a moment.

Later, he told me that he fell in love with a girl and was working hard to pursue her. I gave him a friendly blessing.Gradually, we stopped chatting privately, and just occasionally liked each other's circle of friends, and said a sentence or two below.

And my company, after melancholy left, because it didn't find a suitable product manager in a short period of time, it simply let me work part-time.I learned by doing, and tried my best to support the heavy responsibility, and the company has never recruited.In the second year, the position of my assistant was finally removed by the company and became the company's product manager.

I'm doing a job I love and enjoy the value that comes with it.I will also think of Melancholy and be grateful to him.

The author has something to say: I just saw the nutrient solution submitted on Friday, thank you so much!

When I have a date with Jinjiang when my next door is full of 3 yuan, please save the nutrient solution for me to cast =[-]

In that instant, I changed the ending of this branch to the current ending full of positive energy.Originally, I wanted to write a story about melancholy going back and not believing that I was not depressed, coupled with the oppression of my parents, and then doing this and that, and finally choosing to die in the sea.But after reading the girls' comments, I think I'll continue to write gentle stories, and I hope the girls and I can draw strength from it w