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Chapter 11 If

If I had met him earlier, if I hadn't been so weak when I met him, if he liked me.

Unfortunately, there is no if in this world.

The Book of Kells clearly remembered the morning when he met Heyman, the weather was so good that it was boring, and all the ugliness in the sun had nowhere to hide.The mother was slashed horizontally by the guards of the city lord's wife and lay on the bed, the brilliance of life was gradually moving away from her.He was so weak that he couldn't even cry. He had already shed all tears, numb and unwilling to live.

Poverty, hunger, assassination, contempt, all the light in the world has never shrouded him since he was born, and now he even wants to take away his only relative.He stared at his weak, black and thin hands without saying a word, how he hated it!Those who hate Vera turn a blind eye, those who hate that man don't care, hate the dirty scum around them, and hate themselves who are weak and incompetent.

If his mother had gone, he would be happier than he is now, he thought, there is no worse situation than now, if his mother left, I might as well let her go.The ants are still trying to survive, but this is the first time for him who has been struggling to survive, he has such an idea, he is so tired.

The person wearing the cloak should not pursue it if he is afraid of trouble, even if he is caught.At that time, he thought so, so he stretched out his hand to take the money bag, and also took the only kindness from Vera to him.

Vera, I vowed never to trust anyone again, the more beautiful the skin, the uglier the soul inside, so heart-shattering and disgusting.But when I look into his eyes, it's like a March spring breeze is blowing, and I'm basking in the grass, and the smell of hay surrounds me.Reason tells me not to be fooled by these demons, but he is so beautiful and gentle.

I can't help but say to myself: For the last time, I want to believe him.One last time, the Book of Kells.

Since then, my life has undergone earth-shaking changes. Heyman's hand gently lifted my hair, but lifted the shady curtain that Vera had put on my life, allowing the light to shine in.

When he healed his mother, I thought, I must repay this man and the elf.But when he said goodbye to me, he knelt down and hugged me. His smell was the tenderness I had never smelled before, his hair was like the fragrance of spring, and his blessing was the wish that I could never achieve in this life.I changed my mind and I want to be with this person for the rest of my life.Not now, but must be done in the future.

But what he didn't know was that my mother still left me, and when I came back from the pharmacy the next day, all I saw was a decapitated body and brown dust stained with blood, and all the money he left was taken away.

So I made a second wish: I want power.The life of ants in the past has not made me want it so much, it is too dirty.But my mother's death, Heyman's departure and anger, from that day on, burned my body like a flame and never stopped, entangled me like a poisonous snake, and even at night, I was still in pain.

But what I didn't expect was that the elf helped me a lot.The elf was far less gentle than when the doctor was there. He handed me the lord order with a blank face: "Heyman has high hopes for you. If you don't succeed, don't contact him."

His face was handsome, and his expression was as soft as his golden hair, but his words were as cold as blades.All the gentleness of the elf was left to Heyman, who had lived for too long was not as harmless as Heyman thought, and the dagger had sucked the blood of many half-orcs before it was as sharp as it is now, with a cold light.

So when the city was in chaos, when the group of scum in the auction house executed the man, he asked: "Who has the order of the city lord, so we will obey him! Do you have it?! You are attached to the flesh and blood of the people!" maggots!" I knew my chance had come.

"I have!" At that time, I was 15 years old, as thin as a ten-year-old child, but standing in front of those sharp weapons that were about to stab into my body in the next second, I was very calm.If I dare not stand up, if I miss this opportunity, if I can't see Heyman in the future, if I have to live like this for the rest of my life, I might as well die now.

The sword goes slanted, desperate.

What happened afterwards?I have been a puppet for eight years, calculating carefully day and night, constantly struggling in the dirty and ugly world that disgusts me, and learning all the intrigue, cruelty, indifference, and cunning that I once hated.

My stature is getting taller and taller, but only I know that my soul is a stiff stone, and only when I think of Heyman, there is a breeze blowing gently.

Hyman.Hyman.Hyman.

The name I whispered in my dreams, pouring my life into wanting to have him.My only attachment in the world, I miss him, his gentle pupils, his soft hair, his soft voice, his trembling eyelashes, his fair skin, and his slender ankles.

I think I'm probably crazy, I long to imprison him and stay by my side forever, long to kill the elf and snatch him back, I long to be with him by my side.

It was these crazy beliefs that supported me through those dark years. When I cut off his head, warm blood splashed into my eyes, and my eyes turned red.My life has long been soaked in blood, and the Heyman on my back is my only pure hope. It's time, it's time to come to me.

The coronation ceremony is about to begin, and the daughters of the nobles in the city show their favor to me one after another. It is just the temptation of power, the attraction of skin, and disgusting love.The waiter asked me who should crown me, and it was he, and only he, my Hyman.

I started writing to him, telling him that I had become the castellan.He was still innocent and happy, congratulating me warmly.The past few decades have not left any trace on his soul. It seems that the elves have protected him very well, but I have changed and become someone I hate myself.

The wait was worse than eight years, but I finally saw him.

He really hasn't changed at all, still so delicate, still so gentle, and even a little more naughty, those are the marks left by the elves on him, and have nothing to do with me.

I suddenly felt very sad. Heyman and Elf had established an inseparable bond long ago, holding hands and walking forward, but I was still that weak little boy, standing in place for more than ten years, refusing to move a step, but He rode the breeze away.I knew this clearly, but I kept turning a blind eye, deceiving myself, telling myself that it was still possible.

I asked him to be my guest, to present me with the crown.He blinked mischievously, still so gentle: "I can't do it, Book of Kells, I'd better find someone more respectable." Then he lowered his voice and leaned into my ear: "Legolas is going to be angry, he's super You're petty. But congratulations, you got what you wanted."

He still has the same fragrant hair, the same gentle voice, and the same beautiful face, but now he needs to talk to me on tiptoe.Although cruel, like a sharp knife cutting my heart, but at that moment I clearly realized that this person never belonged to me.

It wasn't before, it isn't now, and it won't be in the future.Everything is just my wishful thinking, just a dream that I have spent nearly 20 years weaving for myself.When the time is up, it will shatter silently without any force, no matter how tough the method is, how heartbroken the dreamer is.

I want to keep him!I want to keep dreaming, since I can make it up, I will definitely be able to make it up!

But I saw his ears, which are the marks of elves, with sharp edges and corners, which are very cute with his small face, but for me, it's all over.I am not afraid of the sharp arrows of the elves, and I am not afraid of the censure and obstruction of the world, but I know that I cannot withstand the erosion of time.

When the years crawled over my face, leaving its unstoppable traces, I was gray-haired, wrinkled, my body was aging, and my mind was delirious, but he was as beautiful as the first time I saw him. How should I face him? How should I face him? Only then will I have the strength to hold him tightly, and even one day I will never be able to express my love again.

The elf's warning eyes were like poisoned blades, but my heart was already riddled with holes and could no longer make any waves.

I want to let him go, let him live in happiness forever, let him see all the ugliness in this world, let him never feel the pain, let him go, let him go, but let me watch him before I die At a glance, he was still smiling carefree in the clouds at that time, just like the first and last time he hugged me, so beautiful and gentle.

The only kindness Vera gave me was the encounter with Heyman, but it was also from this that he gave me the greatest pain.

Later, I took a wife and gave birth to a child. I didn't want a second one, and I never had an illegitimate child. All of this should not happen again.I asked Heyman to name the child, to be his godfather, to see him once every few years, to write and chat with him like ordinary friends, and to talk about his love for elves.I know he'll cry for his friend when I die, but that's enough for me.I didn't have time to participate in his life, and I won't be able to in the future.

In the end, like a clichéd storyline, Ed Sidron became more and more prosperous and became more and more famous in Middle-earth, but it was no longer the place I wanted.When I was old, I often thought of Heyman and my mother, but I never told anyone about it. Except the elves, no one knew what was going on in my mind. It was ridiculous and sad. The only rival in love was my only confidant.

So far, when I was dying, I didn't see the brilliance of Vera, nor fell into the darkness. I saw the first encounter between me and Heyman, from the perspective of a bystander.He gently brushed my hair back, looked at me with gentle eyes, and the thin me stood there, the expression on my face was piety and longing that I didn't realize.

And I finally know that the bitterest love is not something you can't get after asking for it, but that he doesn't even know you're asking for it throughout his life.

I can't help but wonder if, if I hadn't met him, if I had been buried in the wilderness when I was ten, if he hadn't been tender.

Unfortunately, there is no if in this world.

But there should be fate in this world, and I understood in the end, and the encounter with Heyman was a fate that I couldn't escape.

Bury my love deeply in my heart, and never mention it until I die, and finally bury it in the grave, maybe the wind will hear my thoughts, but then I am no longer here.

This is the last tenderness I leave to you, the love language I have never spoken in this life.

I love you, Hyman.

The author has something to say:

It broke my heart a bit.

The words in these two chapters are a bit short, and the next chapter will return to normal.

A little sad, a love that has been hidden all my life.

I don't know if you can see it from the front?